Back at the Ranch

I am cow number 2!!

I had this revelation a few days ago and it has stuck with me. I realize how random it sounds and it probably makes no sense if you haven't read my blog  "What I learned from a cow". As a refresher, Cow #2 is the one that runs over anyone and everything, including her friend Bessie who is blocking her way, to get what she wants.

That analogy has really been nettling me because I'm not beating people down to get to my freedom (at least I don't think so). I've not run any of my friends over in my haste to get out of a situation...right? And then it hit me: the question isn't "have I run over people to get to my freedom?" It's "what I have I given up or trampled on in my impatience to get to what I want?" Maybe what I want is a certain place, my vision of where I think I should be right now.

Personally, I think my biggest problem is my impatience to feel the euphoria of love, of being wanted. I get a glimpse of the possibility of a relationship and there I go, Cow #2, antsy with the fear of being left behind. I step all over God and my convictions just to get the brief rapture of instant gratification.

By the time they got Cow #2 out of the chute, Bessie was laying on the ground, looking significantly flatter than before. I was terrified she'd been crushed enough to have broken something. The worst part was, Cow #2 hadn't escaped her fate - They still had to round her up and put her back through the chute anyway. All her crazed tearing  had been for nothing.

I'm tired of being Cow #2. I've caught a flash of me in her and it isn't pretty.